I’ve never really considered myself a literal thinker. Most Aspies seem to have many childhood memories of taking idioms and metaphors literally. I have just one or two, and I usually have trouble bringing them to mind. I’ve often wondered why I don’t have lots of childhood stories about literal thinking. It bothers me, because I want to sit by the campfire and make all the other Aspies laugh, too.
In the last couple of days, though, it’s occurred to me that I have a major piece of literal thinking that derails me time and time again: I take people at their word. Or, to put it another way: When people say things, the picture that their words paint seems so real to me that the image takes on a reality of its own, even when I know that the words aren’t true. And worse than that, I believe that other people will be taken in by these words. That’s when I start to worry, big time.
Part of the problem is that I don’t really understand deception. I don’t understand why people would say things that are patently false. I can come up with all kinds of reasons for this phenomenon, from self-deception to outright cruelty, but viscerally, I feel a deep loyalty to words and what they represent. Just as I would never use a saw to cut an apple, I’d never use a word to signify something that I know isn’t true. I can’t fathom why other people don’t see it that way.
But what really gives words their power over me is that I see them spelled out in my mind when people speak. When someone tells me his or her name, for instance, I see the name spelled out in my head. Multiply this example a few million times, and you’ll get a good picture of how my mind sees information on a daily basis. It’s as though the words themselves, because they are so vivid in my mind, have actual, living substance, rather than being inert, disposable objects.
This way of seeing trips me up in a couple of ways. For one thing, it can make me very inflexible. For example, when my husband says that he is going to be home at 8 pm, I see the words so clearly in my mind that it’s as though what they signify has already happened.
Time and again, my husband and I have knocked heads over this issue. He’ll tell me that he’s going to put Plan 1.0 into action, and I’ll get ready for Plan 1.0. Then, Plan 1.0 changes to Plan 1.1, or Plan 1.13, or Plan 1.13A or, for reasons I can’t even begin to imagine, Plan 5.0. I mean, how can you go from Plan 1.13A to Plan 5.0 without going through Plans 2 through 4 first?
If there is an external, objective, unchangeable reason for the plan to be modified, I can adjust—not always gracefully, but I can get there within a reasonable amount of time. After all, it’s not my husband’s fault if there’s a backup on the highway or the store doesn’t carry my daughter’s favorite brand of cereal.
But if the plan changes just because people decide that they’d rather do Plan 1.13 than Plan 1.0, I’m lost. Utterly lost. Ultimately, I throw my hands up in resignation at the desecration of all that is high and holy, wander in a wilderness bereft of logic, and send the following unanswerable question into the void:
Do WORDS have ANY meaning AT ALL anymore?
I have spoken that question so many times in my life, I can’t keep count.
Now, if inflexibility were the only problem that results from the vividness of the words in my head, I wouldn’t mind. But there is a much worse problem. When someone says something that I know isn’t true, I get so confused that I start to panic. I can adduce all kinds of reasons why a person would lie, but the cognitive dissonance causes me so much physical, mental, and emotional pain that my current context fades out, and a brave new world comes into being, hewn from the stone containing the lies, as though the previous context had never existed.
And if this entire new reality hinges on someone saying something untrue about me, dear G-d in heaven, I’ve got to clear my schedule so that I can perseverate on it for several days and drive my husband nuts with the catastrophe going on in my head:
WHAT? Oh no! How can anyone SAY that about me? It’s not fair! It’s so untrue. And here are all the REASONS it’s untrue. [Insert numerous reasons here, repeat them, increase volume with each repetition.] And oh, yeah, I just thought of another reason. [Add new reason, repeat entire sequence, increase volume with each repetition.]
This is bullshit. How can anyone say SAY such things?
Oh. My. G-d. Maybe they’re right. Maybe everything they’re saying is true. Maybe the sky really is red at noon and we all walk on our hands to the store on Tuesday. I mean, if it wasn’t true, why would they say it?
And maybe it really is all my fault. Maybe the sky was blue and we all walked upright until I came along and fucked it all up.
No, no, no. It’s not my fault. I know that. I know it, I know it, I know it. [Insert numerous reasons here, repeat them, increase volume with each repetition.] And oh, yeah, here are twelve more reasons. [Add twelve more reasons here, repeat entire sequence, increase volume with each repetition.]
But no one else knows it’s not my fault. Oh, crap. Everyone’s going to believe that I turned the fucking sky red. My life is toast.
It goes on like this until I get a migraine. Then, somehow, if the Sumatriptan kicks in fast enough, the hard drive with all this crap on it melts like the wicked witch in the Wizard of Oz—except that the flying monkeys scoop up some of the best bits and bytes and scatter them hither and yon into my poor, tired brain. After all, the witch must be avenged.
At that point, I figure, I’d better keep busy and have some ice cream. So what if dairy isn’t good for me? Holy shit, the world is ending, and it’s all my fault. Give me my chocolate.
© 2009 by Rachel Cohen-Rottenberg
I have to be very careful with my husband when we have a disagreement. If he says something that I don’t like, I have to make sure that I repeat what he said exactly. Otherwise, he gets angry that I am telling lies. From an NT standpoint, it is so difficult to get my words right. There are so many nuances to language that what I say can mean so many things. On the other hand what my husband says is exactly what he means. Nothing more, nothing less. He always thinks I am adding drama that is unneccesary. I promise you that I’m not. I pray to God that one day I will get it right. That I can have a discussion with him about how I feel without it turning into a meltdown for him. The language gap angers me.
This is probably one of the first times that I have admitted this but I can’t stand an argument with my husband. I avoid them at all costs which actually causes an argument. I have a message to convey and when I am done I have become a blabbering idiot. The husband looks at me like I am the most stupid person in the world and promptly explains why my argument is irrelevent due to (insert list). The aggravation I feel is that I can see his perspective but he has no ability to see mine in a true form. It is his interpretation. In the end, we share the same perspective but I can’t get him to understand that I am in agreement with him. Ugh.
My husband also has issues with “change of plan”. Hell fire and damnation rain down if there is a change and he isn’t informed. It makes him crazy trying to link the pieces so he can figure how I got from point A to point 2.0. I have developed a way to work that out. It is called “Change of Subject” or “Change of Plan”. We refer to them as COS or COP. When I say one or the other he knows immediately not to try and link the subject matter. It is very helpful when I have told him I am going to do “X” but something changed. I will say “COP, instead of X, I have decided to do Y”. It has greatly reduced his stress and keeps his brain from trying to correlate. This works expecially well with COS. Then I can jump subjects all over the place and he can follow perfectly.
Last thing. I am a synesthete just like my husband. I guess God figured when he created me that I was going to have my work cut out for me so he gave me synesthesia. When my husband explains things in terms of texture, color, etc, I know what he speaks of. I guess I am lucky to have some small insight into the Aspie world. I sometimes wish that I weren’t my husbands greatest source of stress and his source of comfort. I think I might need some chocolate. =)
The Carpenter, I believe, from “Alice in Wonderland:” “When I use a word it means exactly what I want it to mean. Nothing more, nothing less.”
Jennifer, I know what you mean about being in agreement but your husband not being able to see it. When I don’t think that Bob gets it, I’ll go on and on and on, repeating the same point and all the various reasons for it. In these kinds of situations, Bob has learned to interrupt me and say, “Rachel, on this issue, we are in violent agreement!” It always makes me laugh.
It’s cool that you’re a synesthete. I wish I were. I am truly envious.
Now I laugh. Jason will argue a point over and over. The whole time I stand there and say “I totally agree with you”. On and on he goes . . . =)
I’m going to quote Bob next time. Maybe it will work.
I love having synesthesia. Jason does too so we have something very unique in common.
It’s very interesting to me that both your husband and I will argue a point over and over. Perhaps it’s because we are so used to living in a world that doesn’t see or understand us that we can’t fully believe that our spouses actually get it. For so much of our lives, we Aspies try to explain ourselves till we’re blue in the face, and with most people, we still can’t get them to understand what the hell we’re talking about.
Even after all this time, there’s a very lonely part of me that can’t believe that Bob can really see and hear me properly. I think that’s the part that keeps talking.
I like the analogies. And the subject changing on a whimsical basis. That does my head in. I sit there like a stunned mullet trying to join the dots on the illogical tangent that they all followed. I’m left at the sign post pointing “but we were going this way. Thats the wrong way. Why are you going that way? You guys are missing the point. This is the point. This one right here! Helloooooo? anyone out there? Where did you go? Oh great now I have to try and find them again. Now what was that point that they forgot? I’ll bring it incase they forget it. Where did they go? I hear them but can’t find them. Oh look thats a nice tree. Oh yeah, point and search priority. Helloooooooo
And yes this cycle repeats.
Rachel, My Gosh. Every time I read your blog I feel like more of a whole person. It’s like you hit that PLACE in me, you know, that really lonely isolated place that needs to be filled up but can’t, and you say these things – that so perfectly describe my existence – that put into words things I didnt even know could be put into words . And I want to shout your blogs to the whole wide world and say “See? See? She gets it, she understands! I’m not hte only one!”
Can I quote your blogs? I’ve been posting the occasional link on my Facebook
Here are some things that blew me away from today’s post, and yes I do the exact same thing as you:
“At that point, I figure, I’d better keep busy and have some ice cream. So what if dairy isn’t good for me? Holy shit, the world is ending, and it’s all my fault. Give me my chocolate.”
Feel that way about every night and so hard to wean off the junk food because it’s that crisis thinking that convinces me I need it! Argh lol.
Actually the world ending feeling is a pretty much constant feeling for me. Don’t like it!
“It’s very interesting to me that both your husband and I will argue a point over and over. Perhaps it’s because we are so used to living in a world that doesn’t see or understand us that we can’t fully believe that our spouses actually get it. For so much of our lives, we Aspies try to explain ourselves till we’re blue in the face, and with most people, we still can’t get them to understand what the hell we’re talking about.”
That is so me you cannot even believe it. So sick of talking to I’m blue in the face and STILL not feeling understood!
“Even after all this time, there’s a very lonely part of me that can’t believe that Bob can really see and hear me properly. I think that’s the part that keeps talking.”
Soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo me, soooooooooooooooooooooooo me, story of my life. I can never believe someone understands me, no matter what. I hate that.
I sure wish we could meet sometime. I think we’d get along great.
I really think you should make your posts into a book or something
Hi Damo: Welcome! It sounds like my post struck a chord with you. So glad.
Hi Kate: I’m SO happy that my posts help you feel more whole. You just made my day!
And yes, you can quote from my blog, so long as you attribute the quote to me with a link to the original and don’t alter the text in any way. See my Copyright page (above) for more information. Thanks!
This post has been so theraputic for me!! It feels so good that there are folks who understand what I am speaking of. I really don’t talk about it much to NT friends just because they don’t have the ability to understand the true nature of an Aspie. To them, it sounds like my husband is just being difficult. Is it strange that I have more desire to associate with the Aspies than family members who love an Aspie? It seems more productive to go straight to the source. =)
You are funny, Rachel. I liked reading this post. My DH and I have similar communication problems…I can jump from point A to point G in one giant leap and come to a sensible conclusion or decision, and that drives DH absolutely nuts. He really needs to go through all the steps one by one until he gets to the end. Almost always we arrive at the same conclusion and are in agreement, but our methods of getting there are so different we make each others’ heads hurt.
About words and truth…my mom always told me that words hold the power to hurt or heal, and that once words leave our mouths we can never, ever take them back. I try to be careful with what I say. I wish more people thought this way…there’d be more truth and less hurt in the world if we were all conscientious with what came out of our mouths.
chuckle chuckle chuckle.
truth and lies…semantic and pragmatic…..
at 46 i am still wedged in this place of literal interpretation. 7pm means 7pm. I will ring you …means i will ring you.
change of plans? i am trying to develop some flexibility in my life at present. It is like smearing icing over a rock cake…..
i have to laugh because i relate…to it all……
I might add…..
When i was a kid, the neighbour at the back was collecting snails from the garden floor and the leaves of tended plants in his damp and dark garden. Snails. My sisters and I asked him what he was doing. He said he was collecting snails for cooking. I beleived him. i do not think the other kids did. they knew he was joking. But he did add he would give us each some money if we collected up all the snails in his garden. I diligently set about with this task…believing every word of it and believing he would pay me money for the snails that would end up in his pot for dinner.
Eventually, i took a load of snails to him. Lots. He laughed, took the snails and then told me he was joking about the money and about eating the snails.
I found it appalling he would lie like that, and to this day i am disgusted that he used me to rid his garden of munching, slimy pests.
Oh, Millie, I’m so sorry. I can’t stand it when adults laugh at eager, innocent children. I would have done just what you did.
Well, perhaps the law of karma is at work, and he’s come back as a snail.
You’ve so completely put my own experience of “taking people at their word” into words I don’t know how to thank you!
April,
Telling me that I’ve mirrored your experience so well is all the thanks I need!
I cannot thank you enough for writing this. It cleared up so much for me. I haven’t found any articles articulating this for me and I have been trying to figure out why I do this. Seeing that I am not the only one brings me great peace and clarity to my mind.
Me finding this blog is perfect timing because in the last year I have left a church that constantly changed things, never spoke what they meant, and would ridicule me when I confronted them in anyway about their inconsistencies or flat out untruths. To read this now clears up a lot of lingering doubts that I have had.
Side note: Through my son I discovered that I too am on the spectrum and it has made my life so much better. Finding this out cleared up so many issues and everyday I am gaining understanding into our world. The final straw for me leaving that church was that one lady told me that “God, shut my sons mouth because I needed to have more faith”. (the funny thing is when we left that church he actually began to communicate a lot more and is now starting complex sentences, he was barely speaking at all at the time) That took a while to get through. Talk about confusion. And then I was told that he was not the way God intended so they were praying for his “healing”.
Being in a mixed state during that time I went round and round basically having the same conversation in my head as you wrote above and finally I am at a place where I can say they are full of it! However, I still find myself confused and sometimes doubting myself when I see them or hear about something they are doing.
At least now I don’t waste as much time on it.
Thank you so much for your blog!
Hi Angel, and welcome! It’s always amazing to me when another person says, “Hey, I do that, too!” I don’t know why it should still amaze me, since I know I’m not the only Aspie out there, but it does, and I’m glad it does.
I can relate so much to what you say about your church experience. I’ve had similar ones in a synagogue environment. If you haven’t already, you can read about my experience at:
http://www.aspergerjourneys.com/2009/05/18/toward-a-new-sense-of-belonging-part-2-my-experience-with-organized-religion/
i’m beginning to see a pattern of extreme anxiety in myself when someone is either lying or being extremely inconsistent (ex.: words and behavior not matching.) even when i can only identify the lie in retrospect, it tends to trigger anxiety in the moment it’s being told—i can usually go back and see that i spent a lot of time feeling hyper, frightened or “stimmy” without knowing why. i wonder if that doesn’t have to do with the fact that my AS brain is constantly picking up the inconsistencies and trying to sort them through.
I always find myself taking people literally and when I get this feeling that we’re having two distinct conversations, I feel like an idiot. Sometimes I can figure out where the miscommunication occurred, but much of the time, I just feel lost as to what people are really trying to say, so I just shut down. I think I need to accept that I will never understand language the same way that NTs do, but I really like knowing how other people think, so I keep trying and trying. It’s freaking exhausting to have to translate while conversing. Speaking of translating, the seeing letters in your head thing is something I try not to do because I seem even more spacey to people when I do it. However, if I want to remember the words, I must see them in my head. For instance, when I learn someone’s name, I ask them to spell it, so I can read it in my head and file it away for later. If I don’t know how to spell it, I can’t remember it because I can’t see it.
I can relate in more ways than i have the energy to write about. I’m not a literal thinker in the classic way either – I love metaphors, stories, nonsense. However, I can take words so so seriously – I don’t let them go. Right now I’m having an issue with a metaphor I am seeing in the Asperger literature and community – the idea that the Asperger brain is “wired” differently. I get stuck on that word – it is wires of some sort? Actually physical connections that are different? I actually looked up a few articles on Aspergers and brain and found more references to the “color” proportions in our brains than to wiring. Lots of talk about amount of gray matter versus white matter.
“Women with autistic-spectrum disorder had a smaller density bilaterally of grey matter in the fronto-temporal cortices and limbic system, and of white matter in the temporallobes (anterior) and pons. In contrast, they had a larger white-matter density bilaterally in regions of the association and projection fibres of the frontal, parietal, posterior temporal and occipital lobes, in the commissural fibres of the corpus callosum (splenium) and cerebellum (anterior lobe). Further, we found a negative relationship between reduced grey-matter density in right limbic regions and social communication ability.” http://bjp.rcpsych.org/cgi/content/abstract/191/3/224
Since I wrote this comment above I have come across readings and research that mention “wiring” issues.
For example, the book “Asperger Syndrome – A Gift or a curse?” http://umass.worldcat.org/oclc/57965882 summarizes a lot of the research along this line, although nothing seemed very conclusive.
And I am now reading about it on this blog: http://aspectsofaspergers.wordpress.com/2010/07/10/the-levels-of-why/