I spent an hour today with my local Aspie counterpart. She’s so nice, and she enjoys so many of the things that I enjoy!
Before she came to my house, my worst fear was that we wouldn’t connect, and that the hour would pass very slowly. As it turned out, when she walked up to my porch and started talking to Bob and me, I liked her immediately. Between giving her a tour of the house and talking about all the stuff that was beautiful and interesting to both of us, the time flew by, and it was time for her to go. It felt as though she’d been here for just five minutes.
In our house, we have a small library (which is actually a wide hallway framed with bookshelves all around). She had mentioned how much she loves seeing people’s books and had wanted to spend some time looking at ours. We didn’t get to spend too much time in the library today, so the next time she comes over, I’m going to let her explore the books undisturbed by any narration about my house. I lent her a copy of the book I had written (about my elderly friend), and we hugged before she left. Hugs!
I was very keyed up about this visit beforehand. Then, once she got here, and I became aware how short a visit it would be, I felt rushed. When that happens, I sometimes have a wee bit of trouble finding the words I want to say. So, I’m not sure if what I wanted to say made its way out of my mouth in any kind of coherent fashion, but who cares? We had fun.
To think that I had been feeling so insecure about meeting her! Last night, I was feeling that whatever social skills I used to have were NT emulation skills, and that they were gone. What would I use instead? I talked with Bob about my last seven years of nearly unabated social failure, all of which seemed to begin around the same time that my relationship with him started. I used to think that I hadn’t made any friends in the last place we lived because people had blamed me for Bob’s departure from the synagogue. I was very angry about it for a long time. All of those social failures have been psyching me out in the present, even in a new town in which people have been welcoming and friendly. I didn’t know whether I could make a friend anymore. I didn’t know whether I knew how, or whether I had the courage to try.
But now, I’m seeing my “social failures” in a whole new light. I’m realizing that the reason for my social difficulties was that my NT emulation skills went “bye-bye” when Bob and I got together seven years ago. For most of my adult life, I’d been in relationships in which I’d needed to somehow “improve.” I was always the one with the “issues,” the one who was never quite right, the one whose ”stuff” was always getting in the way. When I got together with Bob, I found someone who loves me just as I am. In fact, Bob loves things about me that had driven other people crazy.
So, when we first got together, I started to relax and to take another look at myself. I started to think, “Hey, I’m really all right just as I am!” And then, in my Aspie innocence, I assumed that the whole world would be equally excited at this unforeseen and utterly miraculous transformation. I was loved! I was fine! And I was ready to show the world who I really was! In my excitement, I started acting like an honest, straightforward, tell-it-like-it-is Aspie—even before I knew I was an Aspie! I mean, how brilliant is THAT?
Not very. The results in the neuro-typical world were not good. Not good at all. My life became a constant series of culture clashes, as though I were speaking French in a country where no one had ever heard of France. But French was so natural to me. What was wrong with these people?
Oops.
I’ve finally realized that because of my relationship with Bob, my NT emulation skills have been absent for several years without my really knowing it. Much of that time, I’ve been leaping into all sorts of situations, trying to do the NT dance, and ending up feeling alone and alienated. Once I got diagnosed, I began to worry about all the problems I’d have once I gave up all pretense of being NT. Until last night, it hadn’t occurred to me that my NT emulation skills have been at the bottom of a landfill in Franklin County for several years.
And yet, miracle of miracles, my relationship with Bob continues to grow and thrive. What does that tell me? Can I actually be who I am? Can I actually make friends? Can I actually feel like a human being again?
I think so. I hope so.
© 2009 by Rachel Cohen-Rottenberg
Hi Rachel,
I just found your site today, thank you so much for the honest commentary about your life.
I’ve been living with an amazing woman for 5 years now, and she loves me from my complete intolerance of fakery and negativity right down to the overload-induced retreats from humanity. She’s one of only a handful of people in the world that I can be myself around, so I understand how much it means to find someone that makes you feel secure and at-ease when they’re around.
Since we’ve been together I’ve officially given up on caring about how other people react to or feel about my ‘unusual’ mannerisms, and I’ve made a few very good NT friends who find it refreshing that I have trouble being anything but honest, direct, open and genuine. They’ve helped me see AS as something cool and different about myself, and that makes me feel more human
Hi Kevin,
So good to see you here, and to hear of your wonderful relationship. Welcome!
yay you!
One word…
Woohooo !!!!!
Hi Rachel.
I stumbled onto your blog by way of another Aspie blog. Congratulations on your new friend! I get really excited when I make new friends too. Most of my friends seem to have a lot of Aspie-like qualities, otherwise there’s nothing that draws me to them. I’m recently trying to make friends too, due to a break up, etc. It feels kind of nice, actually.
Again, congrats!
Hi Jonah, I’m glad you found your way here. Thanks for the congrats, and welcome to AJ!
I TOLD you you’d enjoy meeting other Aspies
Good on you, Kevin.
Rachel: You are obviously an interesting and sensitive person. It shouldn’t surprise you that people would want to be your friend.
Yuppers…just about the time you finally feel like everyone likes you and can relax and start being yourself, the whole thing caves in and it’s over. That’s why I can’t hold down a job. I pass for normal till I feel comfortable, and then I act like myself and within two weeks I’m out on the street again….
The only two non-family people I connect with are both Aspies, although one denies it till the cows come home.
I don’t have any friends.
I really enjoyed reading about your visitor. I would say “OMG” too.
Congratulations!
Yay! Glad to hear it went so well, and I hope you and your new friend have a long and rewarding friendship.
Thanks, everybody!
O how lovely!
I’m having fantasies of an itty bitty book club with very tasty treats and some marvelous conversation.
=0)
I’m just going to echo everyone else here and say YAY! So glad the friend time went well! I have really good feelings about you finding great people to have in your world. Because, you’re right.You met Bob, who accepts you completely for who you are, so I’m totally confident that there are excellent friend matches out there for you too. Sometimes it’s just a bit of a process to find them. And, sometimes it takes learning what it is you truly want and need before it will show up. It sounds like you’re getting really clear about that, which is fantastic!
DB and Megan–Thanks for the support and for celebrating with me!
So there is hope for me? Yaaayyyyyy!!!!!!
Congratulations on a successful day and a wonderful new friend.
Thanks, April!
Congrats, Rachel! I’m so very excited for you. All of my friends (besides the wife, of course) are still entirely online, but that seems to work for me. I’m glad you’re finding something that works for you.
Thanks, Craig! I’m pretty happy about it, too.