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Jan4
I’ve Got Those “Unbelieved Abuse Survivor” Blues
Filed under: Childhood, Communication;15 CommentsBefore I launch into this post, I want to make it clear that my cousin Ralph knew me as a child and made the initial contact with me a few weeks back. I had written to a different cousin, one who had never met me and had not spent any time with my parents. He felt safe. Unfortunately, he had no genealogical information, so he passed on my email address to Ralph—without my permission. God forbid anyone in this family should have boundaries. Anyway, once she had my email address, she offered to send pictures, and her brother offered to send genealogical information. As you know, the process stopped cold a week or so ago.
A couple of days ago, I wrote a letter to cousin Ralph about the abuse I had experienced as a child. I agonized over writing the letter, and I did it for one reason and for one reason only: to speak my truth in the face of the lies that have circulated throughout the family for nearly 20 years. In various emails, cousin Ralph had hinted at wanting more information, so there was a context for proceeding.
Here is the letter I sent her:
Dear Ralph,
In several of the emails you sent, you seemed to want to know why I had become estranged from my parents. The story circulating around the family is untrue, so I will tell you what happened:
1. My father physically abused me from the time I was 4 years old until I was 19. The abuse stopped when I left for the west coast in 1978.
2. My father sexually abused me from the time I was 11 until I was 17. The abuse stopped only when I began sleeping at my best friend’s house during my senior year of high school, 1975-1976.
3. My mother was aware of all of the abuse and never stopped it.
4. As an adult, when I tried to talk with my parents about what had happened, my mother told me that the physical abuse was all my fault, and that the sexual abuse had never occurred. My father acknowledged that he had been wrong to beat me when I was four years old, but that he had done no wrong otherwise.
5. Because of my parents’ denial of what had happened, I felt very unsafe around them and became physically ill whenever I had contact with them.In 1991, when I was 33, I wrote my parents a letter. I told them not to contact me, that I needed time away from them in order to heal, and that I would let them know when I was ready for further contact. In response to my letter, my parents told my brother, my aunts, and my uncles that I had threatened to call the police and accuse them of abuse if they ever tried to contact me.
I never made such a threat. Ever.
Everyone believed my parents. I lost my entire family. My brother, my aunts, and my uncles all knew me to be a good, caring, and honest person and yet, they never contacted me again. Why they believed the story my parents told, without ever asking me what had happened, is beyond my ability to comprehend.
If my Aunt Fred had been alive, she would have called me to find out what was going on. She was a loving person, no matter what the situation. But she had been gone for almost two years.
I have done the hard work of healing my life. I have a wonderful husband and a beautiful daughter. I have forgiven my parents, and I bear no fault for what they did to me. If you believe me and want to have a mutually respectful relationship, feel free to email me. If you don’t believe me, you need do nothing but continue your silence.
Rachel
And Ralph’s response? Let me summarize what was in it:
a) lots of words about how hard this was for her
b) lots of words about how she’ll never know whether my “allegations” are true or notAnd now, let me summarize what was not in the email:
a) any belief in the truth of what I had written
b) any loving or comforting wordsSo here’s what I wrote to Ralph in my response:
Dear Ralph,
Your message makes me very sad. When my parents told a story defaming me, everyone in the family who heard it believed it unconditionally. They believed my parents without ever talking to me, and they shunned me. My uncle Sylvia (my mother’s brother) told me all about it when I contacted him a few years ago. He said that he didn’t want anything to do with me, even after I told him about the abuse. He said he couldn’t imagine my father abusing me–as though abusers look or sound different from the general run of humanity.
Everyone believed my parents when they lied, but when I speak the truth, no one in the family believes me or has any comforting words to say. You say you have no way of knowing whether what I am saying is true. Why would I say such painful things if they weren’t true? What possible motive could I have?
If you can’t believe what I’m telling you, then we have no basis on which to continue a correspondence. I was looking for photos and genealogical information as a way of feeling that I had something remotely akin to a family. I was excited about all the photographs you were going to send me, and I don’t understand why you stopped.
But I was really fooling myself. I don’t have a family. That is my parents’ legacy to me.
Rachel
I’m done with the family business, and I’ve left on my own terms.
I have never felt so alone. I have never felt so sad. And I have never felt such immense relief.
© 2010 by Rachel Cohen-Rottenberg
15 Responses to “I’ve Got Those “Unbelieved Abuse Survivor” Blues”
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Sorry to hear it Rachel. That’s rough!
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Jennifer January 5th, 2010 at 5:19 am
I felt the blues too when I read this blog entry.
The world can seem so nasty to me at times.
Then I re-read what you wrote about your gratefulness that you have a good husband and beautiful daughter.
And over your sense of relief, and your forgiveness of your parents. You are amazing!You are such a good person. You are also grateful for the Aspie qualities you possess, you see the glass as half full instead of empty.
That person who you wrote to has been unfair. Very unfair. If you had gone to the police, the police wouldn’t say it’s only an allegation at this moment.” They would have tried to offer you support straight away, merely because you said “I have suffered.” Merely because you’re a fellow human-being reaching out. What Ralph did was wrong.
In the Torah two children from exactly the same parents can have two different characters. They are genetically from the same parents, like Yaakov and Esav, but spiritually only one carries the legacy.
This legacy is is passable on to all who accept it even though they don’t have the genetics, like Ruth.
I think that there is so much wisdom in the Torah. To me, there’s a message which seems to say: family is less important than choices. You have made excellent choices, and you deserve happiness. I’m glad that you feel relief. -
I think many of us are estranged from our birth and extended families. I just keep reminding myself that the Norman Rockwell paintings are from his imagination not necessarily from reality, and if they are real, it’s a frozen moment of time not a lifetime.
I think, one of the issues is that our families spend an enormous amount of time dealing with the anger and hate our mere existence seems to create within them. I personally think this is a genetic based response just like our inability to see social cues is a genetic based response.
Deep down inside they “know” on some level it’s not a good thing, just like we “know” we just reacted inappropriately to something, but we don’t understand how to do any different. We hide, they strike out in anger.
Once they figure out (usually from us telling them) they have been abusive to a handicapped person, they feel even worse, which creates more anger, which makes them strike out even harder. Now, because we are all adults, it’s usually with words rather than fists.
Is it sad we don’t have siblings and parents? Very much so. It’s not fair at all. However, the reality of it is, we don’t. We have others who do care for us, if we’re lucky. And we care for ourselves. And the more we care for ourselves the easier it is to recognize and remove ourselves from abusive situations. http://lizzysends.blogspot.com/2010/01/empathy.html
Virtual hugs, Rachel, but know you are better off without the immediate living family members. I found it comforting to reconnect, at least spiritually, with my family tree, so you may want to continue that research through non-family means.
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my response to Ralph’s reaction is first anger. screw Ralph (i used stronger language in a private email to Rachel)
i’ve experienced much of what Rachel describes, and even though i dealt with my own family crap years and years ago, i hurt for my friend, for the response she got for reaching out.
Ralph is an ostrich, and sadly, one of many.
grrr. -
Jennifer Gardner January 5th, 2010 at 2:00 pm
Although I do not think that Ralph should automatically side with you because you reached out to her, the whole situation demands a rethink. You have a right to feel hurt & angry by Ralph’s actions. No one should base an opinion off of one side of the story (You fair Aspie’s have taught me that one). Once all facts are disclosed is when an informed opinion should develop. Ralph’s “opinion” up until you voiced your side of the story was just laziness or indifference to “get to the bottom of” the issue. Here we are again with NT’s dancing around a subject. In my opinion, I think you want closure. NT’s mistake closure for favorable outcome.
You’ve said your peace now move along with a clear mind. You have a family who love you and a group of online family who is willing to listen and give you honest feedback. We know both sides now and I feel just fine being your friend regardless of who is right or wrong. -
I’ve just gone one more round with cousin Ralph by email, and it’s the last one I’ll go.
What I’m starting to get is that, er, um, well, NTs do not say what they mean. They, um, beat around the bush, and er, lie. Thus, they assume everyone is capable of lying. Thus, they don’t realize that some of us are neurologically incapable of lying. In fact, some of us just don’t get the whole deception idea at all. It seems like such a painful waste of time.
But cousin Ralph now knows that I am autistic and cannot lie. Of course, she probably won’t believe me, because.. well…she’s NT and thinks that everyone is capable of lying.
Poor cousin Ralph.
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I think the best evidence is that they were willing to repeat such things to the entire family. Maybe your family’s a bit different, but I’d have a hard time imagining such actions to be done by parents, as opposed to co-conspirators.
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NiroZ, that’s an absolutely excellent point.
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John Dale Lyons January 5th, 2010 at 4:55 pm
Build your own family- around people who truly care about you- like me. DNA does not make a family- love does.
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Rachel, I ache for you and with you, and I hope you won’t have any more of these painful scar-ripping experiences, unless you seek them out willingly on your journey toward closure. Big hug.
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God, people can just be such jerks.
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Dear Rachel. I feel your pain and at the same time rejoice in your realisation that your family is around you; your lovely husband and daughter. You have a lot of friends. Believe me, even NTs have to go through this type of family break-ups. In my family we have a different, but similar situation and some people just refuse to see the hurt they have caused. Virtual hug and lots of positive thoughts flowing your way from me.
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Thanks, everyone, for your support.
I’ve been thinking about the whole question of why cousin Ralph should believe me. From my Aspie point of view, it’s obvious: I cannot tell a lie, so she should believe me. Done! But even from a more generic point of view, it seems reasonable to believe that I’m speaking the truth when I’m not seeking to profit from it in any way.
More troubling to me is the whole existential dilemma that cousin Ralph’s position creates. She has said a couple of times that she has no basis on which to believe me, and no basis on which to disbelieve me. This leaves me in the peculiar state of realizing that I, too, have no basis on which to believe or disbelieve anything that Ralph tells me. Every word could be a lie, every word could be the truth, or every word could be something in between, Who knows?
Is this the way that NTs function on a regular basis? If it is, I don’t know how you do it, but now at least I understand why the world is in the sorry state it’s in.
Personally, I have to have a certain level of trust that people are who they say they are, and mean what they say they mean. Otherwise, a conversation becomes impossible. So, I generally go on trust and believe what people say, unless they give me good reason to think that they’re lying. I’m not sure how else to proceed.
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I grew up in what could be considered similar circumstances. I was abused by 2 people in my family, everyone knew and would not take responsibility or do anything to help me. I do believe that NTs are very dependent on social rules, and would rather listen to the group/family than to logic. They also lie much to themselves, making them capable of watching a child suffer.
I thought the point of creating a family was to create strong individuals who would be thriving, successful, happy, and continue to produce healthy children. Thus ones genes would survive, and multiply. But at least in my family that is not a concern. They also shun me, perhaps because of guilt? or pure egotism?
But I agree with Jennifer who posted further up on your comments; “In the Torah two children from exactly the same parents can have two different characters. They are genetically from the same parents, like Yaakov and Esav, but spiritually only one carries the legacy.”
Though my family shuns me, I feel like I got the best of the gene pool. They got their hatred, insincerity and guilt – I got the brain and the luxury of empathy.
Having the knowledge of right and wrong is clearly not a gift everyone got. One should be glad to have received it, even at such a high price.
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Beautifully said, Katta.
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About Me
I'm Rachel Cohen-Rottenberg, and I publish this blog, Journeys with Autism. I'm a wife, mother, writer, singer, artist, photographer, community volunteer, and the chapter leader for the Vermont Chapter of the Autistic Self Advocacy Network (ASAN).
At the age of 50, I awoke to my place on the autism spectrum and discovered a world of gifts, struggles, and life-changing possibilities. My latest book, The Uncharted Path: My Journey with Late-Diagnosed Autism, was published in July of 2010. My work has also appeared in Shift Journal of Alternatives: Neurodiversity and Social Change and in the Disability Rights and Neurodiversity section of the ASAN website.
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“Cohen-Rottenberg is emotionally honest and skilled at relaying the stories from her childhood and adulthood that made her the person she is today....A highly recommended read."—Kate Goldfield, author of Common Scents: Adventures with Autism and Chemical Sensitivity
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Rachel Cohen-Rottenberg
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